Stagnant

Losing the last bit of hope I’d held onto affected me. A lot. I wouldn’t say it would be a clinical diagnosis, but I’ve been depressed. I’ve been going through the motions for a lot of stuff. I was fully present when working with Scarlet though. But things like other hobbies and work were difficult for me. I did take a couple of days off work because I’ve got the PTO and it did help.

Even with the change to my future plans for Scarlet, I still want him to get as much functionality back as possible. So we went ahead with our plans of walking over poles. Its a bit difficult to do on every day as I am at the barn when they are grooming the arenas. Every other day was manageable. Scarlet was a little perturbed the first time we walked over the pole but he never showed any soreness or increased difficulty managing his hind end after we did it.

We had been up to about 12-13 minutes of walking and over a pole once during that walk. Last Monday I’d just about decided that we should try going over a pole twice during a walk. We were heading back to his stall and Scarlet tripped in front (at least, that’s what it looked like. I happened fast so I couldn’t really tell you the moment by moment play here) and went down to his knees. Then he fell further. He rolled and ended up on his back for a second or two. I was trying to keep the lead rope out of his feet and say out of his way. He was able to roll over to his side. He took a moment to figure out where his hind legs were but got back to his feet without too much more trouble that he normally does when rolling.

I was freaking shaking when this was over. He seemed more or less fine. I ran my hands over him. He didn’t have anything more than some hair loss on his knees. He walked fine back to his stall. What I think happened is he was hurrying to get back to his stall and over walked what his feet could keep up with. He tripped and there was a incline on his right hand side. We were close enough to it that when his neck went down and he lost control of his hind legs, he fell with the angle of the ground.

I called my vet afterward to let her know. She said that he will probably be fine if he is able to move without issue. I had bute on hand so she said to give that for a couple of days. If he had any sensitive areas or showed a reluctance to walk, then I’d need to give her a call back.

Scarlet was displeased with the bute paste (he hates the taste) but he never showed any issues. I’m the only one affected. Completely traumatized. it made the depression worse for sure as I had to start thinking about how this would change my decision on when I’d have to say goodbye. If he falls frequently, that would be a reason to say he doesn’t have a good quality of life anymore. L also suggested that I begin thinking about ways to save memories; picture session, keepsakes, special things to do with him while I can. All of it was hard but necessary to think about.

However, between this and the rest of the fed up world, my mental state isn’t what I’d like it to be. I’m trying to claw my way back to relative normalcy but its a process. There are plenty of good things that I’m trying to throw myself into (other hobbies, household projects, getting to ride a friend’s horse several times) but I haven’t managed to shake the shadow yet. Its less opaque but its there.

I’m not even sure what the point of this post is. To purge? To update? A bit of everything likely. So I’ve purged, I’ve updated and now I’m going to go do something fun. Mental health is important y’all. I hope you are doing well or have way to help yourself/get help if you aren’t.

10 thoughts on “Stagnant

  1. When I was getting Carlos diagnosed and then after when I let him go, blogging became a very cathartic part of my recovery process. Don’t be afraid to just DUMP on your blog if you need to, regardless of if it posts, it can be good to get the emotions out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the advice. I do have a personal journal that I do dump in but it’s nice to voice the struggle to other people, even if it’s basically just an echo chamber.

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  2. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. There are a lot of reasons to be in the dumps right now without adding horse troubles to the list. Every time I read one of your posts, I’m so glad Scarlet has you as the leader of his team, he’s a lucky guy. But also, like you said, mental health is important, so be sure you’re taking just as good care of you as you are of Scarlet. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw you’re going to make me cry (in a good way). It really helps to hear that what I’m doing for Scarlet is right. It’s hard not to think back to the beginning and before and what if myself to death. I can’t fix anything I did or didn’t do back then. But telling myself that doesn’t always help.

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  3. ugh i’m so sorry 😦 such a hard situation, i hate this for you and Scarlet. glad he’s doing well tho – he’s lucky to have you watching his back. and good for you for making sure you’re taking care of your own emotional health too. my friend just let her long term partner go after a brief struggle with a declining neurological disorder. she was lucky in a way in that she had time to prepare for it, and chose a week where the mare had mostly good days and then could be let go in a relaxed and peaceful state, vs being forced into it after an accident or injury. still tho… such heartbreaking decision to make 😦

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    • It is hard. I have no idea if he will decline or just succumb to old age as we all will. But that is a reason why I have an idea of what qualifies as good quality of life for him. I need to make that decision when I’m less emotional than having to deal with it while I’m losing him.

      It does suck but he’s still here for now. He’s still happy. And I’m allowed my emotions over this. It just isn’t fair and it’s hard to get out of the negative.

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  4. This is your blog, so you get to write about whatever you want! And we’re all here for ya, no matter what. S falling is terrifying and I’m so sorry for the both of you, but he’s damn lucky you’re his person. So glad he’s ok ❤

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  5. This is a perfect place to dump this. Many of us have been there and we understand how difficult it is. Your mental health is important and grief is part of it. You have the right to grieve. I hope you found something fun to do.

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